First Smile

I got David’s first smile today, which was rad.  He’s been following us with his eyes the last couple of days, but today was his first smile that wasn’t caused by gas, and Jess was there for it which was cool.  I was so pleased, but then he looked at me and called me a lard ass, which shocked me that not only could he talk, but also that he could say something that was not only hurtful, but also so COMPLETELY unnecesary.  I guess that the  next item on the agenda is going to be teaching my boy some “fatiquette” (how to talk & act towards fat-a’s).

Frustrating

Answering a call bell:

Me: May I help you?

Freakin’ patient: Um, yes, I’d like my lemon pie now, I’m finished with dinner.

Me: Well ma’am, I think you’re going to have to call dietary- we don’t keep any lemon pie on the floor.

Her: Well I ordered it, but they didn’t send it on my tray.

Me: You’re going to have to call them, ma’am.  We don’t have any way of contacting them either besides calling.  The number is 75643.

Her: I tried that, but nobody answered.

Me: Well keep trying, they are probably kind of  busy right now.

Her: Allright, I’ll take my pie as soon as you can get it.

Me: Ma’am, I don’t have your pie, and I can’t get it any other way than you could…just call dietary.

Freakin’ Her: I already tried them and they didn’t answer, and I did order it but they didn’t send it too me.

Me: Keep trying Mrs. ——-, 75643, they’ll eventually answer it.  Now I have to go, I have someone on the toilet.

Her: Well I don’t know why they didn’t send it, I ordered it.

Me: Is there anything else I can do for you, ma’am?

Her: Yes one more thing- could you please come in here and punch me in the face?

Me: Gladly

( That last part was an editorial liberty that I took…wishful thinking)

For your virtual-cuddling pleasure…

Post-bath cuddle

Where to begin…???

That is the question…until last week I have been wrestling with myself about how I have neglected this blog.  I was constantly going through where I should start, and as each significant or mentionable blog idea or life circumstance passed, I got more disappointed with myself that I hadn’t updated my blog:

Paul: You.Are.Such.A.Loser Paul- why don’t you stop being a lazy freak and update your blog?!?!?

Paul: WOW-that was a little harsh, don’t you think, PAUL?  Way to approach me diplomatically-what an A-hole!!

Paul: I’m sorry, it’s just that you’ve been telling me for two months now that you are going to update your blog.  What gives?

Paul: I know, I know.  I’m a total loser….

Paul: No, No!! Don’t say that, that’s not true.  I’m sorry I said those things about you earlier; I was just angry, I didn’t mean it.

Paul: Really, you don’t think I’m a lazy freak?

Paul: No, not at all!  In fact, I think you’re really great, man!

Paul: Wow, what a relief!  By the way, I think we should get counseling…this is kind of weird.

Paul: Agreed!

Anyways, now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, onto the news.  I finished my first year of school, my job is crappy awesome, yadda yadda yadda… onto the news that really counts.

Last Monday, we went up to Michael and Sharons for a Memorial Day pool party with them and a lot of their friends from their new church, and we had a really good time.  I was supposed to work on Tuesday night, 7P-7a, my first night shift, so we left early Tuesday to come back home.  About two hours before I was to be there, staffing called me and cancelled me, and when I told Jess, she responded with this doozy- “Maybe you got cancelled because I’m going to go into labor tonight.”  And as we both laughed about that, and then I judo-chopped her in her throat for saying something so ludicrous, we went on our way not knowing what a prophetic statement that really was.

So about 6:30 the next morning, I woke up to a yell from Jess, and she came running into the bedroom(she had gone out to the couch to try and get more comfortable), telling me she thought her water had broken.  Now, me being a little bit skeptical, and knowing her history as a pregnant woman of her sneezing and “breaking the seal” so to speak, I asked her if maybe she hadn’t pulled a three year old and wet the bed on accident- I know, what a jerk.  She assured me no, and stood in the shower where I could plainly see her water had indeed broken.  After I picked myself up off the floor from passing out, we got ready, headed out to the hospital, and the rest of the story is laying on a pillow in a swaddling blanket next to me on the couch as I type this.

As I write this...

So the little guy was born four weeks early at 5:02pm on May 27th, 6lbs 140z, 18″ long, David Jedidiah Bernstein.  He is so awesome, so grand, so sweet and innocent, I can barely stand it!  I can sit and stare at him for hours, and still not get enough.  The last eight months have been like an eight month long Christmas Eve, staring at this present that you know is going to be awesome, but you have no idea how it is going to look, how it’s going to function, how it will change your life.  And then all of the sudden it’s Christmas day, and we got our present, and he is beautiful and perfect.  To actually see his face, after wondering for so long what he was going to look like, to see how much he looks like me, it’s like the most epic moment of my life.

Jess did so great with her delivery, she really amazed us all.  She just did it- that’s all I can say.  No drama, no cursing me, no head spinning on her neck, no calling on the power of Grayskull to come and beat my fertile butt (although all that would have been fine), she just did it.  It was awesome, and we were all so proud of her, especially me.  So far, she has humbled me with her mothering skills… in areas where I feel unsure, she gives me pointers like she’s been doing this forever.  I know there are things that we are both going to screw up, things we have yet to learn, but she seems so comfortable with her role it’s been really neat to see.

So anyway, that first night he had an elevated white blood cell count, which indicates an infection, so they started him on prophylactic IV antibiotics.  He was early enough that he hadn’t been able to work on sucking on his thumb in the womb, so the muscles of his mouth were not strong, and he lacked  the coordination to suck, swallow, and breathe all at the same time.  We were feeding him the first night, and his eyes rolled back in his head, his arms went limp, and he turned blue on me in my arms.  Very scary to be sure;  we called for the nurses, and they woke him up- this happened a few more times, which is why he went to the NICU.

In the NICU

In the NICU

Wednesday through Sunday was quite a stressful time for us- driving back and forth between the NICU and home a couple of times a day, and coming home without a baby after you just delivered it was very hard on Jess.  But all is well and we  finally got him back on Sunday, and he’s been chilling with us ever since.  Sharon has been here and been an amazing help for Jess and myself (although she is chained to the wall, so it’s not like she could leave anyways).

It’s been quite a ride this last week, but so worth it.  Here are a couple more pics, and we’ll update our picture gallery soon, once I wade through the 1,000+ pictures we’ve taken already.  And there you have it, for those that wanted to know…

Sunday’s Comin

I know many of you who might be reading this blog have already seen this, and that’s ok. I just love it, and I think it’s worth sharing.

The man speaking is a pastor of a large African-American church from Southern California, S.M. Lockridge. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

more about “Sunday’s Comin“, posted with vodpod

 

 

 

FAIL!!!

 

I just saw this blog, and it’s pretty hilarious.  Here are some samples of what you can find there:

Packaging Fail

Jihad Fail

Anyways, there’s lots more funny stuff here, so go take a looksee, lookseers.

Sorry to 53% of you out there… but I am right, you know.

I normally try to stay away from politics on my blog, but I saw this and had to stand up and cheer.  It’s such a well phrased, clear and concise way of saying exactly what it means to be free and live our lives without the government’s interventions and intrusions; I just had to share it.  Preach it Milton, preach it.

Why Do I Blog?

1) I own a computer

2) I am connected to the inter-webs

3) I have an overblown sense of self-importance that leads me to (see below)…

4) Think that people care about what I have to say.

5) I can now call myself a “Blogger”, and say things like “Hey, have you checked out my blog lately?”, or “Ooh, I’ve  just been inspired to write a blog post about that”, which makes me sound cool (to myself).

Grateful

I’m feeling grateful right now- I don’t have much else to say.  I’ve got three tests next week, and two presentations that are making me a giant stress ball, plus I’m sick to boot.  But it’s a beautiful spring day out, there’s a nice breeze blowing the windchimes, the kid is kicking, Michael and Sharon are on their way down to hang, and Roby is on the radio- so I know I’m blessed and I am grateful for it.

Recent Things

Just a few updates on my life, as if you care.  This semester we have learned how to do IV’s, which was pretty cool.  Although I haven’t had a chance to ply my new trade at the hospital, I was able to practice with Ian and Gabe.  Here are some pics…

Ian starting on me

 

 

Me poking Gabe- Success on the first try baby!

 

"Hey Paul, you just got an IV started on your first try- what are you going to do now?" "I'm going to the taqueria!!"

 

This was Gabe's emotional support while Ian was practicing on him. This photo was taken right before we started practicing on the dog. (That was a joke)

 

Ian practicing on Gabe

Ian:  “Wow Gabe, you’ve got some GREAT veins!”

Gabe: ”Wow, so do you, Ian!  Great, great veins!”

Paul:“Uhhhhhh, wow, uhhh, this is awkward- um, should I leave?”

Moving on, I also got a job as a nurse’s aide at St. Luke’s Baptist hospital, on the rehab floor where most of the patients are post stroke.  That will be some good experience, as well as helping out with the bills before the baby gets here.  Other than that, pretty much everything else is the same.  See y’all later, and say “Hi” to your mother’s for me.

An insight into the universe: the IT tech.

So I was at the hospital today, following the wound care nurse around as she cleaned and bandaged people’s pressure ulcers and stuff, when I saw something that really got me thinking.  When I walked into one of the nurses station’s, there sitting at a computer was a tech guy, an IT tech to be exact.  And as I looked at him, I swore that I knew him, but luckily before I blurted out a name of someone I used to work with a few years ago, it hit me; all IT techs look the same.  There he was, sitting at a computer and cussing at it under his breath, and it was at this point that it dawned on me; “The IT Tech” (in a plural, ”they are there own race of people” sense), more than almost any other type of person I know, spans the entire space/time continuum to fill an entire niche job.  Included in this post is the following IT tech educational diagram which, one should keep in mind, applies to all IT techs:

Note- Also missing is the neck lanyard with both an ID badge and a thumb drive hanging from it. Obviously the pictured tech is outside of work, so undoubtedly these items have been left hanging from his rearview mirror in his car. Also notice the depressed woman sitting at the bar behind him- I don't have anything to say about her, I just wanted to point her out.

If there are any IT techs reading this right now, please don’t think that this is an attempt to have fun at your expense- in reality, it’s just the opposite.  In fact I marvel at your ability to, with no memos, no clubs that I know of, without even seeming to try, propagate your people, dressed in your clothes, with your sense of style and your supreme gaming ability into every job that is techie.  And it’s not even like having a dour expression and a pony tail is an uncool thing either- check out this pony-tailed “MOVIE-tech”, an amazing guy who is so nuanced he can make an action movie into a comedy.

So next time you have to call an IT tech, and he shows up with a chip on his shoulder because you just interrupted, with your petty computer problem, the quality time he was spending on his break or outside having a smoke or both, look him in the eye, and gently remind him that he could be gone tomorrow, with a replacement already on staff, and no-one would know the difference.

Anyways, I don’t know if this is something that anyone else has noticed, but I just felt like it needed to be said, if only to raise awareness.

Keep your laws off of my body!!!

Yeah, you heard me, Mr. Old White Guy politician, always thinking you know what’s best for me and my body!  I have a freedom of choice, and I don’t want your laws restricting me!  Everyone knows I’m not skinny- I mean, come on, it says it right in the title of my blog- but that doesn’t mean I want my rights infringed.  And now I see this, and I can hardly believe my eyes- I mean, what’s next?  I refuse to have my right to soda or candy infringed upon at all, not even a health warning telling me about all the dire consequences that can occur from too much sugar!  When I need a soda, I don’t want to think about the consequences of my actions- this is my life, and my body, and I’ll do what I want with it.  Come on people, open your eyes!  First they’ll start here, banning soda in schools, but where will it end?  Next comes banning soda in restaurants, than in supermarkets, until it is no longer available.

Then what happens when someone who is in a medical emergency needs a soda or a candy bar- ever heard of hypoglycemia?  How will we get these hypoglycemics the sugar they need in time to boost their blood glucose levels if there are no sodas available?  Are we just going to let them die in the streets without access to the care they need? 

All we will wind up doing is sending people who are jonesing for a Sierra Mist and a Whatchamacallit across the border, where they will receive a soda that is of far more inferior quality; or,  an even bigger threat is, what if they decide that they aren’t going across the border for a soda?  WHAT IF THEY DECIDE THEY ARE GOING TO MAKE THEIR OWN?  Homemade soda is dangerous people- we’re talking about CO2 that they’ll get from god knows where, and probably some kind of homemade syrup that we have no idea of what’s in it or how it was made, all brewed up in the unclean backroom of someones home or in an alleyway somewhere, and it will probably cause some kind of infection or something. SCARY!!!!

I mean, it’s already happening.  If I have a neighbor who has a 12 year old whom he doesn’t allow to drink soda or eat candy while at home, then that child should be allowed access to soda and candy machines at school- it’s his right as a 12 year old to make a wise, mature, informed, and private decision about what he wants to put in his body without the school telling him no, or calling his parents if they find out he’s sneaking a sugar product from over the border or something.  After all, what if his parents are intimidating him to eat vegetables and fruit instead of candy?  They might punish this child somehow, like grounding him, or taking away his X-Box!  NOOO!!!- this should not be happening, but scarily it is in this overbearing nanny state we live in.  Shame on the state and the school systems for not respecting said child’s right to choice and privacy.  The scary thing is, people, THIS REALLY HAPPENED!!

It’s just baby-step after baby-step, chipping away bit by bit our right to choice, until all the sudden one day you go to buy a Dr. Pepper, and you look around and realize, THERE IS NOWHERE TO BUY ONE!!!!!

So please people, let’s make a stand and let our voices be heard, and let’s tell these old W.A.S.P.’s that “Soda Rights are Human Rights”!!!!

Some music, perchance?

 

 

“What, just four guys in the bathroom, hangin’ out, bein’ awkward- is that so wrong?”

Four Chambers

Sometimes, there are somethings that just amaze me to where I’m almost at a loss for words; almost. Yesterday Jess and I went for our ultrasound to find out the sex of our baby, and what a trip that was. It’s funny how so many people can go through something, but when it happens to you it’s like the biggest deal ever.

“Wow Paul, you guys had an ultrasound- that’s never happened to anyone before!  You should write about this thing that no-one has ever had done before and give them your thoughts so that they can find out what it’s all about.” 

Thank you, and I will.  Also I hear your sarcasm, and I don’t think I like it very much, but you would want to write about your ulrasound as well if you discovered your child was one day going to be the Master of the Universe, all He-Man style and stuff (and yes, he probably will wear a pair of fur speedos).

“Geez Paul, those are some pretty high expectations, don’t you think?  I mean, fur speedos?   How would he even find those?” 

Well, to that I say, “a) He would fashion his own fur speedos from the pelt of  the (first)  Grizzly he’s going to kill with his bare hands while hiking through Alaska hunting terrorists with nothing on but a pair of moccasins, and b) High expectations?  Oh hellz no!”- not if you saw what I saw in that ultrasound monitor. Huge, huge biceps (already), and like a size 15 foot and a huge fluffy head of hair that waved in the currents of the amniotic fluid. I just know he’s going to grow up to be strong like bull.  I feel sorry for Jess.

Besides all that, obviously he’s healthy. He’s about 9 ounces right now, and developing well. It was crazy to see him actually moving; at our first ultrasound, when the doctor confirmed the pregnancy, all you could see was his little heart beating super fast. He said it was something like 200 bpm, or something crazy like that.  Anyway, flash forward to yesterday, and the first thing the ultrasound tech zeroed in on (besides his huge head of hair) was his heart, and there it was, all four chambers beating like crazy.  What a sight!!  There he was, moving around, practicing his kick-boxing moves on my wife’s bladder, and all I could think about was what a perfect little creation he is.  I honestly cannot wait to meet him, and when I think about him coming, I am so thankful to God for his four frenzied chambers.  These are the four chambers that will deliver him to our arms and our lives and our own hearts, that will give him the will and the strength and the power to be himself, that will take him from the womb to the grave;  before lungs, before kidneys, before legs, before thoughts, before intentions, before hurts, there is his little heart. 

 

I used The Google, you know, the one on The Internet’s, to look up how many times the word “heart” is used in scripture, and it comes up a meager 743 times.  I love it when you finally make a connection from real life to what God has declared; it says in the bible that God writes his laws upon our heart, that he knows and is grieved by our hardened hearts, and that he knows the evil that lies within them;  to not lose heart, to love God and one another with our hearts, that our hearts are refreshed by the saints and by Christ, that it’s our heart’s that are directed into God’s love.  God cares about our hearts, and is it any wonder that it is so?  It’s this little four chambered organ that is the perfect picture of where our True Life comes from, how we are nourished, kept alive, how we are purified.  How not coincidental is it that like Christ, our hearts are with us from the beginning to the end.

So anyways, I’m stoked.  I know life is going to get pretty crazy around here pretty quick, but I am more than ok with that.  I just can’t wait to meet the little guy and give him his first punch in the neck!

Starbucks, you’re so awesome and green!

I love Starbucks.  ”Why?”, you ask?  It’s because of their bold stance on the environment in the face of such a hostile media and political climate, a climate where the notion of Global Warming (oops, I mean Climate Change) is not taken seriously at all,  and anyone who tries to champion the idea that we’re destroying our world with CO2 is berated and shouted down as being a crazy person.  Well done Starbucks, way to stand up for what you believe in, even though it’s not politically popular right now.  So anyways, I was immensely pleased when I showed up to work the other day and saw their new display that was asking people to volunteer  (also another buzzword and concept that is totally not popular in pop or political culture right now)  for 5 hours to make a change (once again, an unpopular notion right now) in our community. Bold stances Starbucks, bold indeed.

This was the eye-catching display about volunteering- it was like 4 feet high!  And what did they have on this 4 foot high shelf made out of cardboard? 
 

This!!!  This TOTALLY worth it box of cards (seen below), that’s what!!!  Simply brilliant, Starbucks!  You’re totally right about one thing- it’s not like this box of cards would have fit on the drink hand-off counter immediately to the left of this stand.  This box of cards is WAY too big!! 

 
I can just imagine  the executive meeting where this whole idea was concieved: 

Starbucks Executive:  “We need to take another bold stance in our community people.  What we need is something like a totally worth it box of cards talking about our bold stances, but we need to make sure that we do it in a way that is environmentally friendly!”

Johnson: “Well sir, we could just create a 4 foot tall cardboard display that we could set our totally worth it box of cards on.  That way, we can take a bold, politically unpopular stance while we are saving the environment by using cardboard. Also, by using all this necessary cardboard in an environmentally friendly, unwastefull manner, we’ll be able to NOT get in the way of peoples drinks with this gigantic box of cards that wont fit on the hand-off counter, thus saving the environment and making a bold statement!”

Starbucks Executive:  “I like it- brilliant, Johnson!!!  That’s exactly what we’ll do!  We have a reputation of bold stances and environmentalism to uphold, as well as needing a place for this uncannily huge box of cards to go that can’t fit on our drink hand-off counter!”

Wow, the brilliant integrity that is Starbucks- it makes me proud!

 

RIP Crazy Eyes Killa.

Crazy Eyes Killa was a crazy cat- he fell out of a tree and had a mini stroke, and walked around sideways for a few weeks.  He almost made a full recovery but from then on was cross-eyed, although that never stopped him from being a bad mo’ fo’.   We had him while we lived at the house in Grass Valley, but I just found out that Crazy Eyes Killa is gone, and that makes me a little bit sad.  I recorded this one day when I was working around the house in Grass Valley- I already had the music on from working, so I guess the cats got in the mood.  Anyway, this is Crazy Eyes Killa and Old Greg working in some brotherly love on a Spring Saturday, one of C.E.K’s softer moments.  Now excuse me while I pour out part of my 40 in memorium.